It seems almost surreal to be typing on this blog again. Surreal in the sense that the last dozens of times I sat down to journal the realities of life and the emotions that went hand in hand with them....Jack was still here....tonight is different....tonight Jack isn't here....it is so hard for me to believe that tomorrow Jack will have been in Heaven for 2 months.....2 months......
So much has transpired in these two months.....the boys and I have tried to define our new normal. There are days that I feel we have conquered the day....and then there are other days that just surviving the day is a note worthy accomplishment. We laugh and cry....sing and dance....snuggle and wrestle....paint and play....but through all the ups and downs our minds and hearts are always thinking of Jack....and missing him....he is never far from our minds and I pray that that never changes.
Though these days have been punctuated with deep loss, tears that flow sometimes unceasingly, hurt, loneliness. pain....for the first time in my life I have come to understand what Jesus meant when He said, "...my power is made perfect in your weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9). What I mean by that is that Jesus has so tenderly and lovingly granted me many opportunities to see His provision - materially and emotionally. It is hard to even describe or put it into words, but I have NEVER felt the power or depth of God's love for me as much as I do right now. I am not saying that it is easy....this is the hardest journey I have ever walked....but God has taken my heart that is hurt, weary, shattered and broken and He is giving it life again. He has spoken to me time and time again through His word - the Bible. I am currently studying Jesus' second coming/end times through a course called Omega and it has changed my heart in profound ways. It has opened my eyes to read the Bible so differently and has changed the way I pray and how I approach discipline/parenting with my boys. Each day it seems like there is this delicate balance between grief (so intensely it feels like I can't even breathe at times) and great joy....not the giddy-jump up and down joy....but the joy of knowing that my Jesus is coming back....and when He does.....He will make every wrong right....he will bring truth and justice to the Earth...he will fight for His beloved Bride....he will reign as the King of all Kings....and Jack will be among His heavenly army!
As we step into the month of February, I would covet your prayers....this month contains many significant dates - the anniversary of Jack's death (1st), Jack's birthday (2nd), the first anniversary of Jack's cancer diagnosis (7th), Andrew's first birthday (9th), Valentines Day (14th), and the first anniversary of our journey/relocation to Rochester....needlesstosay my heart hurts just to turn the calendar and so your prayers will be precious and felt each day of this month!