It seems almost surreal to be typing on this blog again. Surreal in the sense that the last dozens of times I sat down to journal the realities of life and the emotions that went hand in hand with them....Jack was still here....tonight is different....tonight Jack isn't here....it is so hard for me to believe that tomorrow Jack will have been in Heaven for 2 months.....2 months......

So much has transpired in these two months.....the boys and I have tried to define our new normal. There are days that I feel we have conquered the day....and then there are other days that just surviving the day is a note worthy accomplishment. We laugh and cry....sing and dance....snuggle and wrestle....paint and play....but through all the ups and downs our minds and hearts are always thinking of Jack....and missing him....he is never far from our minds and I pray that that never changes.

Though these days have been punctuated with deep loss, tears that flow sometimes unceasingly, hurt, loneliness. pain....for the first time in my life I have come to understand what Jesus meant when He said, "...my power is made perfect in your weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9). What I mean by that is that Jesus has so tenderly and lovingly granted me many opportunities to see His provision - materially and emotionally. It is hard to even describe or put it into words, but I have NEVER felt the power or depth of God's love for me as much as I do right now. I am not saying that it is easy....this is the hardest journey I have ever walked....but God has taken my heart that is hurt, weary, shattered and broken and He is giving it life again. He has spoken to me time and time again through His word - the Bible. I am currently studying Jesus' second coming/end times through a course called Omega and it has changed my heart in profound ways. It has opened my eyes to read the Bible so differently and has changed the way I pray and how I approach discipline/parenting with my boys. Each day it seems like there is this delicate balance between grief (so intensely it feels like I can't even breathe at times) and great joy....not the giddy-jump up and down joy....but the joy of knowing that my Jesus is coming back....and when He does.....He will make every wrong right....he will bring truth and justice to the Earth...he will fight for His beloved Bride....he will reign as the King of all Kings....and Jack will be among His heavenly army!

As we step into the month of February, I would covet your prayers....this month contains many significant dates - the anniversary of Jack's death (1st), Jack's birthday (2nd), the first anniversary of Jack's cancer diagnosis (7th), Andrew's first birthday (9th), Valentines Day (14th), and the first anniversary of our journey/relocation to Rochester....needlesstosay my heart hurts just to turn the calendar and so your prayers will be precious and felt each day of this month!

To all of our family, friends, and loved ones....thank you. Thank you for the ways that you have showered love on my boys and me and prayed for us unceasingly. There really are no adequate words to express my gratitude for the love that we have been shown this last year, but most intensely in these last couple of weeks since Jack's home-going.

Tonight as I sit in my kitchen typing this update, the reality of my "new normal" has hit me in a fresh way. I still can't quite wrap my mind around the reality that Jack is not coming home.....that my phone will never ring from his phone call again....that I will never hear him call me "beautiful" again or watch him hold/snuggle or play with our boys. To be completely honest, my heart aches...aches so deeply that sometimes it is hard to breathe. Tonight as I was putting our oldest to bed, I realized that we never did have the opportunity to celebrate Christmas as a family of 4. Andrew was born in February and so this would have been our first Christmas as the Keller 4.....more sadness....more anguish in the deepest parts of my heart....I am broken....lonely....and sometimes hoping that this could just be a dream and one day I could wake up and everything would be as it once was....with Jack home again.....

...but then I remember that Jack is home....he is where is was created to be....forever.....I was reading in the book of Revelation today and God showed me a beautiful picture of what Jack is experiencing. It brought joy to my heart and so I want to share it will all of you. The second and third books of Revelation tell us about seven messages that are given to the seven churches. In each message, there is a verse that begins with "To everyone who is victorious" or something very similar. I decided to put all of those verses together and this is what I imagined God telling Jack.....

My beloved Jack. I love you. I have always loved you. You were victorious, Jack. You remained faithful to me even to the point of death and now you will receive your reward. I will give you fruit from the tree of life in the paradise of God (Revelation 2:7). I will give you the crown of life and you will not be harmed by the second death (Revelation 2:10-11). I will give you some manna that has been hidden away in heaven, and I will give to you, Jack, a white stone and on the stone will be engraved a new name that no one understands except you (the one who receives it) (Revelation 2:17). Jack, you obeyed me to the very end and so I will give you authority over all the nations  - you will have the same authority I received from my Father, and I will also give you the morning star (Revelation 2:27-28). Jack, you will walk with me in white, for you are worthy. All who are victorious will be clothed in white. I will never erase their names from the Book of Life, but I will announce before my Father and his angels that they are mine. Jack, you are mine (Revelation 2:4). You will become a pillar in the temple of my God, and you will  never have to leave it. And I will write on you the name of my God and you will be a citizen in the city of my God- the new Jerusalem that comes down from heaven from my God. And I will also write on you my new name (Revelation 2:12). You will sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat with my Father on his throne (Revelation 2:21).

Update from Sarah's Facebook Post this evening:

~~~~~~~

Jack Keller did not lose the fight.....he won the battle. He did not die....he became fully alive. My most precious and beloved Jack met his Savior - Jesus tonight. He is beholding the Glory of his God....dancing with the angels and embracing the reality that all of the suffering was fully worth it.....because Heaven is worth it all. Thank you for your love and prayers!

~~~~~~~

Please continue to pray for Sarah, the boys, Jack's parents and his brothers in the days, weeks, and months to come.

~~ Update from Site Administrator ~~

The following update was on Sarah's Facebook Page. She asked me to send it on to all of you:

To our many many praying family & friends:

It is with a heavy, but hopeful heart that I am asking for prayer tonight. Would you please join me in praying that Jesus would come and get Jack....to take him to his heavenly home? I know for some of you - you have/are fasting and praying for Jack's earthly healing and have for some time. I never thought I would get to a point where I was asking Jesus to deliver my husband unto Himself....but that time has arrived. For those of you still praying for Jack's earthly healing, we would humbly ask that you would please stop and instead pray for divine healing....healing that will only occur when Jack sees Jesus face to face.

I am sure that you can understand why my heart is heavy....but why am I hopeful? I am hopeful because I am confident that one day I will see Jack again...and not only that...I will see Jack and there will be no more suffering...no more pain....no more death. I want and always have what is best for my husband....and tonight I know that what is best is for him to be in Heaven......he is so courageous...so strong....so brave and yet his longing is for Jesus and Heaven and so I am honoring those wishes by posting this update tonight.

~~ Update from Site Administrator ~~

The following update was on Sarah's Facebook Page. She asked me to send it on to all of you:

I know that many of you have been wondering what has been transpiring in the Keller house these last 5 days. I am sorry this update on has taken me so long to write.....

We were instructed by our hospice nurse to discontinue Jack's transplant medication on Wednesday of last week. We were told by Jack's doctors at the Mayo clinic that Jack would only live two days without his transplant medicine.....We are now on Day 6 and Jack is still with us. I have seen incredible physical changes in these last days and in the last two days, Jack has become more and more incoherent.

We are forever grateful for these last days that were afforded to us. My love for Jack has grown immensely in the last couple of days....which will make it that much harder when Jack passes from this life until the arms of Jesus. Like my brother-in-law, Josh said these days have been like a double-edged sword.....so sweet and yet so hard.